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hmmmm

 nothing really on my mind. just more stupid shit at home i really dont want to go home to. i got to spend a night away from all the shit at my bf's house but my mom wants me home an i really just dont want to go. sooo i might be getting engaged soon an wow lol like what do you say? i mean im happy an excited an with an AMAZING guy....but im young ya kno? but im excited for something new!! just tryin to not think about things that stress me out an just have some fun. im tired of stressing over fucking everything!! whether its ex's people that currently want to be with me family drama i just dont want to deal with it. i always handle everything for everyone an im done. for once im thinking about me. an im glad i am. i deserve it! i deserve to be happy after all ive dealt with the past couple of years im just over it. so im going to think about me an leave the past behind except for a few people like christina lauren elyssa an tom. they will always be near an dear to me. an will be my friends for life that i protect with my life. I LOVE YOU GUYS!!! 

its been a LOOOONNGG time


so its been a looong ass time since i've wrote. my whole life has pretty much changed. i'm no longer with grant, that was a complete bust. my parents found out how old he was an pretty much ruined our relationship. i didnt talk to him until about 3 months ago. an then he wnted to get back together, he finally said the three words i always wanted tohear from him...but by then it was too late. i moved to a new area, i am currently living in melbourne FL which is 2 hours north where i used to be. i went to a brand ew school my senior year (which sucked) knowing no oe but soon made lots of friends. had almost no drama all year except family drama. got my life started a little finally am able to drive, have money, getting a job. i graduated in may an now am enrolled for college. i have a new man in my life. we've been together for four months an its been amazing. we are s much alike it's stupid lol. he just let's me be myself an we always have fun when we're together. me an elyssa are nowcloser than we've ever been, an me an lauren arent as close...which sucks. me an my new bf have started looking at hosues an i think he my pop the question, we've already talked about it a little an ive told him if he was serios we would wait a year to see how things went an go from there. anyways gotta go i have a date tonight :)

living here


living here is so hard. when there are two different personalities when two people think they did nothing wrong. the constant fighting, the constant bickerin, no matter what even when you're right you're still wrong. whatever you do is a fuck up, what ever you feel isnt right cuz thats not how they feel. it just get tiring when you're trying you're hardest to care about someone and they just keep pushing you away. they can dish it out but they cant take it. they can say hurtful things but the first time you do they hold it against you. they dont let you talk to others about how you feel but wont listen to it. what do you do when you run outta opitions, when all you wana do is give your whole life and love to them, but they dont so the same to you. when you let go of the past but they wont, when it holds them back but you wanna move foward. i love him to death, but if he keeps pushin me away im gonna be gone

just thoughts


life here is deff different. being here is so new and big and im glad i have someone i can call my bf and my best friend i just yearn to hear him say he loves me....i wanna know hes finally letting go completely from his past hes done so much and gone so far with me and i kno he cares with all his heart..but i feel like i love you is that last string hes holding onto...and i just want it to snap....i want him to say what i see in his eyes. everything he truly feels, everything hes holding back.
i just feel like he wont let me in. i feel like hes holding back to how he truly feels cuz hes been hurt so much...and i dont know what to do, what to say that will make the pain and fear in his heart go away. i love him so much..btu there are others who still own my heart as well. and i dont know how to make that love go away. tony still has the biggest love from my heart. i could see myself getting married and having babies with him. even after all this time if i even think about us i cry and wonder why i had to leave. why i had to leave the one guy that made me happy, that didnt fight with me, that wanted to protect me and see that my heart was healed and full of love, that could look into my eyes and tell me he loved me, that came to my window at 3 in the morning to say his final goodbye as i was to leave in the early mornign and as i opened my window to the rocks bein thrown up to the 2nd story i knew he loved me, and as we cryed together at my leaveing he told me he loved me and that i loved him too, and the final kiss i we blew.
i dont een knwo how to feel sometimes, my heart is so mixed up it drives me wild. i kno i feel to much but i cant help it.... ii mean i have to let christina go and thats the end of it...she likes other people an thats that and i hope we stay close friends...but tony...hes so...different. i really do love him and even in the relationships ive been in since then i havent been as happy as i was with him. i mean i really do love grant....but when i think about the future i dont see myself with him. we're just to different...im just so confused,,,,

lately


So everything lately has been mass chaos. so many things on my mind. so many feelings in my heart. so many things im starting to question in my life. i feel so compulsive lately, thinking and missing old times, having regrets about decisions ive made in my life. losing friends, losing family memebers, just everything is falling on my heart. So many people and thing run rapidly through my mind. its like i try to block out how i feel cuz im with someone but i just cant, i cant stop how i feel. like with christina....i mean she likes this girl amanda and im happy for her...but it sucks that im jealous. i hate that i still love her...and tht i always will. it kills me! i have dreams about her sometimes. its like the first time i got a message from her. to all the times we talked on the phone and the giddy feeling i got when i saw her number pop up on my phone. the nervousness i felt the first time i went to meet her in person.. and how everytime after that i was always nervous. the time we went to the beach and saw the fireworks and that it was the perfect moment cuz thats how i felt in my heart....and the first time i felt sentual with a girl. i mean ive been with girls before but it wasnt like this...it was so much more. everytime i looked into her eyes, everytime i wanted to tear up when i said goodbye. the times i cryed when i couldnt see her smiling face...and the day i fucked up when it all got erased. i regret that moment every day. i mean....im happy with who im with...but i always wonder what could have been...but ill never know now...and its my fault and i really hope she doesnt read this cuz its really embarrasing.
and anthonys trying to wedge his way back into my life..yeah thats not working at all for him lmao.
i banished elyssa from my life for good i hope. i just cant stand her anymore i take crap from everyone and sometimes i just need a friend. i thought that was her but i was very wrong...i just hate hurting from people i thought i could trust...or that i wanted to trust. i kept trying with elyssa and she just kept essing with my mind, eventually you get to the point where enough is enough an that point should ave happened a year ago. lauren is mad at me. so we're not talking cuz she feels like i betrayed her. me nd michael dont get along like at all anymore. and all my friends were seniors so their all gone and moved away already. idk i feel like im falling. noahs really upset that im woth grant, like he cryed and said that i was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with...i was shocked beyond belief. ugh but im tired soooo i gotta go i guess write back soon.

R.I.P Bevis


So everything has been ok lately i moved outta my house and am now living with my bf. i'm super happy about that, is nice to just wake up in the morning and have him there, im getting used to the whole idea of it but so far so amazing! well i just got done watching this movie marley and me, ya kno about the menious of a dog that was adopted to a family and tore everythng up got into everything yet was the perfect family pet, well the ending sucked. the dog got a twisted stomach and in labs thats very common the end result is that the dog dyes. i bawled like a baby and am bawling as i type this. my old dog bevis dyed the same way and it was like i had to rewatch it.
i had him since i was 5 and he was about 16 when he died he had a long healthy life its just that when he died i never let myself go and it was like watching this made it all come to me. the dog was adopted for me but lived with my aunt and uncle. we got him when he was 3 because the people that owned him before us didnt want him anymore cuz he was so abnormally big for a 3 year old and just wanted to put him down. i begged and pleaded to adopt him and we did. he got into everything. shoes, couches, clothes, neighbors yars, wouldnt walk on a leash would drag you down the street on a leash. but he was always there when i was crying would sleep with me when i was scared of the thuderstorms, was one of my best friends, he was a great listener.
well my aunt and uncle ended up moving to mississippi and i didnt see him for awhile and then i got a call saying he was sick.vthat not only was his stomach twisted but he had cancer in his face. we went up to visit and he looked so bad. he could barly walk. he would drool cuz of the cancer in his face he wouldnt even chew we had to blend all his food. he was just a mess. we had to leave to come back to FL 3 weeks later. and i didnt want to leave his side,
i just wanted to stay by his side cuz io knew his time was soon. but my dad had to practically drag me outta the house i cryed all the way home, before i left i told him i loved him and he just looked in my eyes and licked my face and that was the last time i saw him. two weeks later they put him down. and i wasnt even there, i miss him so much and when i heard the news my body just wouldnt let me break down but after watching this movie i cant hold it in anymore im just writting this and balling my eyes out. i miss him so much, he wasnt just a dog he was my best friend, we did everything together. he was my baby, and he'll always have a special place in my heart. Bevis i love you so much and i miss you like crazy i hope you are in a better place and you were the best dog in the world. i love you RIP

its been awhile


so its been awhile since ive been able to get on here and free my mind, ugh ive been having sooo much going on lately im just so overwhelmed. its like my whole life is moving so fast and yet im in slow motion. the school years almost over, im moving outta my house in 5 months, im losing friends,  have now like no relationship with either parent, and yet even through it all...im still sorta happy. lol to me its so twisted but its like....its what i want. im still with my boyfriend Grant and its actually going really well. hopefully we're still together in 5 months cuz thats where i wanna move into. ive never been so happy with a guy as i am with him. just everytime im with him i can just be myself, its gonna be 2months on tuesday and im actually really excited. and i have so many feelings about him, i mean yeah hes older but he's so...right for me. he knows how to make me happy and cheer me up in any situation. ive already met his family and everything and they're so open and loving to me. im just so..idek.
its like every time i see him my heart jumps, i get this huge smile on my face and i just cant wait to be in his arms. he's just my everything and i dont kno what id do if i lost him. he's been there so much for me in the short time we've been together. its like even though we've just met ive known him for like 2 years instead of two months. he's always suprising me with something new whethere in his personality or something he does for me. hes just so different than what im used to. and i love every moment of it
the only problem is im just worried that i jumped in head first to quick, i mean i opened the trust bix so fast i told him like my lifes story about everything and everyone ive ever been with. everything about my life, he's met all my friends and most of my ex's. and we already took it to the next level about 2 weeks ago if ya kno what i mean, and to be honest it was AMAZING! i've only been with one guy physically before him and all it was was rough and only in it for him, i just had wanted to make that guy happy so i did it, where as with grant, i was the one saying i was ready and him questioning it lol. he was really cute about it too. he had a dozen pink roses, candels, chocolate, and a giant stuffed animal. he had lit candels around the room and had rose petals everywhere. i felt like i was in one of my romance novels. i had told him before i had gone over that i was ready to go to that next level and give all of myself to him and even with all the things he set up for the night he was still unsure. lol it was cute, but in the end i won. and i have no regrets what so ever.  not even that everytime it IS amazing, but that everytime he was makes it so special and its not just sex to him or me its actually like love making, i told him that i cant be a virgin again but as far as im concerned he took my mental virginity lol
he's just everythign i could ever want in a man and i dont see myself with anyone other than him in a long time.
well gotta go write more later!

learning...


Havent written in awhile. alot's been goin on lately. alot in my life and mind. i guess lately i've been trying to change some things in my life for me. and it's actually making things a little bit easier. i'm letting people outta my life that bring me down or treat me wrong, i've been changin the way i look. i'm just trying to get through everyday nowadays. life at home has been more suckish than usual. me and my dad got into this whole big fight where i told him i hate living here and he told me i could move out whenever i want. i was gonna move in with my bf but the only thing stopping me is the fact that my mom would have a shit fit and get him arrested cuz hes lot older than me so i'm just gonna stick out the next 6 months and then finally move outta this hell hole. and be with someone that finally is happy to be with me for me.
so somethings been bothering me lately. it has come to my attention that my ex gf christina has been chit chatting with my other ex elyssa about our relationship.
christina if you're reading this i have to say that you have no right telling her about our business. i dont really want her to get involved and to be honest she's the last person i want to be judging my relationship with you. if there's something you want ot talk about just talk to me, but please dont go to my ex about it. considering you "hate" her so much. but yet you can talk to her so freely? yea.
me and grant are going really good. we've been together for a little while now and have been taking it really slow. we both understand eachother and have been through alot of the same pain. we've been cheated on, we've been lied too and used. so it's like we're both learning to trust eachother on alot of different levels and it's nice to be with someone who sees me. even from the first time we locked eyes all he did was stare into my eyes and smile at me.  and from the first time he looked at me i got butterflies.
he's so amazing in so many different ways. he protective and loving, kind and careing, funny and smart, very family man kinda guy. knows what he wants in life, and yet is willing to take risks.

but i'm tired i'm gonna go write soon!
 

STALKER!!!

so there is this girl that i just met that my friend victoria inroduced me too. i guess it's her ex girlfriend that she still hangs out with, but anyways, we were at lunch and victoria introduceses her to me... and everytime i look up this girl is starin at me!! her name is amanda and shes a freshman, blonde hair blue eyes, my height, cute but at the same time scares me a little. she nice to talk to and everyting...but the first time i met her she put her number in my phone, and i'm thinking "ok like she wants to hang out, talk, whatever"
well then within the next hour victoria kept callin me sayin "amanda thinks your hott she really likes you blah blah blah" i'm  thinking well thats cool ya kno she thinks i'm hott, but i had already explained to her that i do have a boyfriend and that i dont play both sides of the field at once.
so i talked to her, told her that she was cute and very nice but that she was WAAAY younger than me and that i did have a boyfriend that i'm very happy with...now this is where it gets scary. she starts telling me that she just really wants to be with me and that she'll wait for me...like, wait until my relationships over to be with me....WHAT!!?? lol
not only that, she going around, not only telling her friends how much she likes me...but goign around telling my friends and people i know how much she cares about me and that she'll wait and we'll be together. WHAT!!?? lol
i dont even really kno this girl! i've only known her for a week!! i dont even kno her last name!! i have all these people comin up to me sayin that shes sayin o how we'll be together. jeeeezzzz. it's ridiculous!!
not only that but she hangs on me alot, and calls me..ALOT, and texts me throughout the day ALOT and wants me to walk her to her classes or follows me to mine....AND SHE KEEPS TRYIN TO KISS ME!!
ugh fucking stalkers i swear, sometimes i feel like girl stalkers are worse than guys.

learning...

so the last month has been really hard on me. me and christina are no longer together (sobs) which is a whole nother story i wish i could express but she might read it and get mad at me for my feeling about it so it's easier not to say *cryes* i miss her so much. we went on this "break" thing and i ended up getting a bf. which makes me feel like shit cuz i really do care about christina i was just tired of feeling like she didnt care. i kno she had alot going on but i did too. but i never once questioned my feeling for her and she did with me which hurt me alot...i dont even want to talk about this anymore!!! cuz everytime i think about it i cry.
so the guy i'm with now is nice.he's ALOT older than me, but he actually cares about me. we're trying to be more friends than anything. like we mess around and everything, but i mean, he's the one saying we should wait on the sex and serious sexual stuff because of the fact that he doesnt want me to think thats all he wants from me. that he doesnt just want to be like the other guys i've been with. so it's a good thing. he's smart and funny, and he protects me from anybody and anything. he was willing to fight anthony for me!! it was a shocker, i've never had a guy stand up for me.
but anyways, home life is still shit and i move out in 7 months!! WOOO!!
i dont talk to elyssa anymore...i'm just over it...and i hate that christina is over me, but i dont blame her at all. i was a sucky gf anyways.
but  i'm gonna go cry some more about all this. ugh i hate my life.
later

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